Welcome to my birthday party!
“What do you want to do for your birthday?”
Common question for everyone and, if you’re like me, the answer was always to get “white girl wasted”. And if you’re really anything like me, the night might have been like this…
This year, for my 27th birthday, I told my friends and family that I just wanted to relax, sit down, read, and write in my crevasse.
To be honest, for the past two years, all I’ve really wanted to do is celebrate my Mom’s birthday with her since we share the same birthday – April 16th. Most people think it’s super cool, but for me, it’s the reason why I have never celebrated her birthday with her. I know, as much as I hate to admit it, I realize that I was a pretty self-absorbed kid. All I thought about was “Me! Me! Me!” and celebrate birthday parties with my friends. But when I was a baby, who held birthday parties for me? My Mom.
I’m not the perfect daughter, but I’m not going to admit to being the worst either. It’s not like my Mom was home with a cake by herself or anything. She would go and do her own thing her friends too. I just kept thinking about having fun for the moment with my friends that I pushed family to the side. I thought I had all the time in the world to make up for it later when I got older. Still, it doesn’t stop me from realizing that celebrating her birthday with her was something I should have done when I had the chance.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, (Warning: I’m about to tell you that my Mom passed away.) just going to throw it out there that my Mom died from tuberculosis, an infectious disease in the lungs, a couple of years ago.
In case you were wondering…
- Yes, it was a pretty fucked up experience. I mean who the fuck gets TB in this day and age right? My young Mother, apparantly.
- Yes, I hated every moment of witnessing her struggle to survive. She may have been alive, but to me, she was already gone.
- Yes, it’s definitely having a weird after effect on my life now; which might also be a normal thing..? I mean, besides Dr. Phil, who the fuck really knows right?
- Yes, I resorted to drugs and alcohol (But we’ll save that topic for another blog).
- No, it doesn’t allow me to respond to other people dealing with their personal problems any better. I’m even more awkward, if anything.
When I thought about my Mom’s birthday, the phrase “Better late than never” came to mind. I thought that if I really tried, I could find another way to celebrate her birthday with her. But let’s be real, there really isn’t another way because it will never be the same.
So what do you do when “late” is no longer an option and “never” is all you have?
..I don’t fucking have the answer, but I’ll tell you what I did – I smoked a lot of weed (But that topic is for another time).
While living in this dark and sad world, I couldn’t help but feel like a really stupid person who had nothing going on in life. I felt stupid because I compared myself to my family and friends. My friends were either motivated enough to continue their education to get a Masters Degree or they were passionate enough to create scripts and send them off to festivals. I, on the other hand, dropped out of Ryerson University for Business, graduated Centennial College in Arts, and am still working on the same pilot script for over a year. My friends were doing shit with their passions. While, I was an embarrassment to my family.
I was just a girl who had big dreams and big ideas, but wasn’t sticking to anything because I wanted the success, but I didn’t want to work for it.
I was lazy, had no real talent, or passion for anything and was working at a sports bar. I’m definitely not bashing on people who work at sports bars either. The restaurant industry is hard as fuck. But for me, it was just a job that had no meaning for me and I was there working for the money – I was a worker. I was also resentful because I needed the money to pay off my school debt. So, I was working more than I could pursue my passion since “I never had enough time”. And I hated that aspect of me. Because, to me, being a “worker” is settling for ordinary.
Then, I met a guy who I fell head over heels in love with and was ever so lucky in landing a job at a manual therapy clinic with an amazing team of inspiring individuals who were passionate about helping others grow. I was the luckiest girl in the world. I finally felt like the world was giving back some life for taking away my life. But that’s not how the world works. As long as you’re living, the world never owes you anything.
As fast as my first love came, he had me all choked up with pain in the end. And in the midst of that choking pain, I was able to breath and see again. Finally, after opening my eyes from the blinding love, I started to see what was happening with my job at the manual therapy clinic. They were progressing. I was becoming stagnant.
As grateful as I was to be part of an uplifting team that didn’t give up on me, I couldn’t help but feel really out of my element. I didn’t deserve to be surrounded by such amazing souls. I was scared of embarrassing myself, looking stupid, saying something stupid – basically doing anything stupid! And that was because I was stupid. I had nothing to bring to the table, but me. And I never saw myself as being good enough for anything. My bosses were all Masters of something; physiotherapy, marketing, operations, branding, organizing, leading, etc. And there I was standing in their presence saying to myself “I’m creative, I guess?…Ugh, why’d these fools hire me? Aren’t they supposed to be geniuses or something?!”
Feeling dumb is obviously not a nice feeling. I started believing that I wasn’t good enough because people like me aren’t capable of great things. We’re just too ordinary and dumb. Weirdly enough, amongst feeling like the biggest dumb ass, I came across a meme that really resonated with me and it read:
“To be old and wise, you first be young and stupid”.
Then, it hit me, “Hey…Yeah, I am stupid. And I’m okay with that!”
The day I embraced my stupidity was the day my life changed. And I’ll tell you this much, I am now beginning to see that shadow of hope turning into a path. A path that I’m creating, rather than a path I’m looking for, only to follow after. I started feeling like I was in school again.
The thing about school is that they don’t tell you it’s okay to be dumb. With that, I forgot that nobody ever starts life being smart, except maybe Benjamin Button. But look where that life took him in the end. His ‘bae’ went from cougar to pedofile just like that!
Life after school is literally still a school. The learning and studying never stops. If you’re feeling like it has stopped, then find something new to study. The fun part is you can choose whatever you want!
Before my Mom died she told me that if she survived the TB, she wanted to work less and help others. I wish I asked more about what the fuck she meant by that because I could fulfil that wish of hers now. Is it a thing that when people are near death, they start sounding wiser because they say less because they don’t have much time?
So, this year, for my 27th birthday, I decided to officially start my new blog (again). Prior to this, I’ve written some other blogs, however, it was always for myself and I’ve never stuck to it because there was no real value or purpose. I just wrote because I enjoyed to. I now know my purpose, for now at least.
This blog is for the people who, like me, just fail at life and feel like a straight up dumb ass because guess what – You ARE a fucking dumb ass. And that’s okay! Embrace your inner dumb and learn to teach yourself how to grow from dumb. What else are you going to do with it? Eat a box of chocolates? No! Well, actually, yes because chocolate is fucking delicious. But unlike Forrest Gump, you’re going to open the box and pick which chocolates you want because you have that control. You may end up picking one of those gross bitter strawberry jelly-filled ones, but whatever – throw it out and move on to another one. That’s life. So be dandy!
This may not be what my Mom had in mind, but I see what she saw when she was on her death bed. She saw an ugly and dark world that does have a shadow of hope. It just needs help to become something bigger than hope. And she wanted to be part of it. So do I. I want to be something good in this world that’s filled with too much darkness. And I want others to see that light and help make their world more meaningful than ordinary.
Together, let’s be Dumb In Training Souls = DITS