Hey dumbass! Long time…
I don’t know about you, but these past few months have been such a crazy roller coaster of emotions. Or is that just a sign that you’re growing up?
All of my recent emotional peaks this past Summer started when I was promoted at work and couldn’t think of a quote to put at the back of my business card…Sounds really stupid right? I agree, but I’ve also come to realize that all problems usually start from something really small and stupid.
Like the time I gave my virginity to a guy who didn’t deserve it because I was young and stupid. As for the “something really small” part? Well I’m not going to talk about his dick if that’s what you’re thinking. I let losing my virginity get the best of me and fucked up the future of my dating life. It was a problem that I allowed to grow bigger and bigger (But that’s for another story called: “My Petty Virginity”).
These small feelings of hopelessness in my ‘9-5 work life’ were contagiously spreading into my writing. I couldn’t gather the words to write a good story and all I wrote were dark and depressing rants…Only one person read those rants and he’s basically an alcoholic now.
I told myself dark and depressing things like:
“I’m not good enough because I’m too stupid and I don’t belong here. This world is evil.”
“They make fun of me behind my back. Why do I keep making a fool of myself? I’m a joke.”
“They’re all gonna laugh at you…They’re all gonna laugh at you.”
Yeah…I literally had 1976 Carrie’s mom in my own head.
I had enough of feeling like a joke, so I allowed her to convince and confirm that what I felt was true. I listened to the scared little bitch who started the war in my mind and told me that “I wasn’t worthy for the promotion”.
Maybe nobody was saying these things…Maybe they were. Was I stupid for trusting that they actually had good intentions for me? Maybe I’m being paranoid? What if I’m not? Was I smart for thinking they were saying these things because they didn’t know that I knew? Which one is right and which one is wrong?
In this time of need, I did what any normal person would do in this day and age…I turned to motivational memes, obviously.
Sadly, the memes did more damage than motivate. The quotes made me question what ‘weak’ really was. What’s the difference between letting go vs. giving up? Or holding on vs. settling? Which one is right and which one is wrong? So many questions, but where the answers at?!
I never thought of myself as a quitter – Until I was put to the test and realized that not being a quitter is harder than it looks like in the movies.
At work, I was always under this notion that I was learning and that it was okay to make dumb mistakes. But after awhile, I started to feel like one big joke living in this world of naivety. Everything I believed in was all wrong and I was a fool.
What do you do when you start questioning your morals and believe the dark side isn’t all that dark? What do you do when you begin to question everything you thought was good? What the fuck do you do when you start to feel like you’re the Anikan Skywalker of your life story?
There goes the questions again. But where are the facts?
In the end, my only answer was, “Maybe you just don’t belong”.
That answer was not the right one. It fed into that dark devil inside me who was trying to build a wall and hide me from the world. This is usually a time where turning to Mom would be ideal.
“Mom, just tell me, should I quit or should I stay? Give me a sign…”
But you can’t turn to Mom and Dad forever.
So, I told myself the facts and I told myself the mothafuckin’ answer and that was:
“You’ll never know the truth to those questions. Stop wasting time.”
When I changed my mentality, the questions didn’t stop – only I was asking better questions:
“What do you think they’re saying about you? What do you need to do to prove to yourself that you’re a sicko at what you do and they can’t talk shit?”
Even after a few months of going back and forth with myself about this, I set up a meeting with the big guys and gave in my resignation notice. Yup…Even after all of that, I still gave up. I wasn’t lying about how hard it is to not give up.
Luckily, I have the most amazing bosses a gal could ask for. They called me out on my fears. They told me to take some more time to figure my shit out. – Ooh I needed that.
During my time of mind wars, one of my good friends, who always seems to have some kind of answer without giving me an answer, showed me her business card quote that gave me an answer without giving me an answer.
“WORK HARD ON SOMETHING UNCOMFORTABLY EXCITING”.
That quote made me realize that I wasn’t afraid of making a fool of myself. I was scared of being uncomfortable because of how nervous I was. But I told myself I was a fool to make it easier to leave.
I was so nervous that I tried to run away from the responsibilities that came with the promotion. I was so scared I puked a couple of times just thinking about it, so I ran away because it was easy.
It was a vicious cycle of negative vibes that made me forget all the little wins I made to get that promotion. I was only focused on all the L’s.
No matter what’s right or wrong, life is just uncomfortable. Give life a good fight or give up on life. But when you give up on life, life will pull the plug on yours.
In the end, when I was stuck in a time of feeling defeated, I chose to forget what was right and wrong. I went with whichever decision made me more nervous, the one that felt easier to run away from aka I chose to stay.
I decided that I wasn’t going to run away from this challenge. This job was like the world giving me some lemons. All this time I was saying “when the world gives you lemons…Actually, fuck it – don’t let the world give you lemons. I don’t know what to do with it, Mom I’m scared”.
When really I should have been telling myself “Quit being sour. Take those lemons and shock people.”
I must say, thank you to the real ones who didn’t give up on me when I gave up on myself. Not gonna lie as if everything is all solved and I’m living in a Dandy-ful life now because I will definitely break down again. But I’ll handle it better next time.
Shortly after, I finally figured out my quote for the back of my business card:
“FIGHT DEFEAT WITH THE LITTLE FEATS. ONE STEP AT A TIME.”
I asked for a foot emoji to confirm my pun, but was denied. Took that L like a lady though.
If you had a quote at the back of your business card, what would yours be?
Live by it.